messy. crazy. amazing. joyful.
We're not all officially ADHD. Dad's unofficial. Our ten-year-old twins have ADHD. Our seven-year old wants to have it because everyone is always talking about it. Our three year old has ADHD--just because she's three. And me, Mom, I think it's contagious. Who can remain untouched in a house where shoes seem to be lost every morning, instructions are routinely thrown aside, and fights erupt over which continent capybaras come from?
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
Glad Summer's Here...I Think
Boys' Summer Handbook: When bored, start a fight. Hand-to-hand combat is great, but almost anything can be turned into a weapon. For instance, see towels in the above photo. |
Our kids have attended three different schools because of
family moves. Up to this point, we haven’t really had any conflicts with our
schools about accommodations for our kids. I feel like we’ve dealt with people
who really loved our kids despite their sometimes difficult behaviors. I feel
like people have tried to help our kids deal with their shortcomings and
offered support. But our present school has been a struggle. It’s hard to know
who’s driving decisions--principals, other administrators, teachers, other
parents--but from what I can tell, the principal does not want Luke at her
school. It’s a great school for many reasons: test scores, extra activities,
tons of parent involvement, but it is a little too perfectly, perfect, and they
don’t seem to have room for coloring outside the lines.
We survived last year at this school because Luke’s teacher
was so patient and kind. He did have some meltdowns and a suspension or two (I
lose track!). But his teacher was so positive and helpful. The special ed
teacher was awesome last year too. This year his teacher wanted him to do
things her way, and she did not take kindly to when Luke resisted. She didn’t
really seem to accept that he was struggling with his own difficulties, but saw
it as a struggle against her. I guess I don’t know really what was going on in
her mind, but she seemed to see her relationship with Luke as a battle of
wills.
I’ve talked about this before, but Luke’s intelligence plays
against him sometimes. Academically, he is so smart that teachers and
administrators can’t or don’t believe he has social, organizational, and focus
difficulties. I told his teacher at the beginning of the year that it is
difficult to not take his disobedience or rebuffs personally. He’s smart. He knows
what he’s doing, so it seems he must be doing it with malice. But he’s not.
He’s impulsive, he’s slow on emotional control, he’s easily frustrated. When
he’s done something wrong, in hindsight, he knows it’s wrong, but that doesn’t
stop him from doing it at the moment. His teacher and principal dislike him and
don’t have a disability mindset. That can’t see the struggles he goes through.
They just think he’s naughty. Insolent. A pain in the butt. Extra work. They don’t have time for
him. They want to move him to a “learning center,” which is the district’s
euphemism for a behavioral unit. I don’t have anything against behavioral
units, but they are usually reserved for kids whose disabilities are much more
severe than Luke’s.
This year Luke got an in-school suspension for tearing up a
leaf and saying, “This is what I would do to Jill’s* head if I could.” A mean,
naughty, threatening thing to say. It makes me sad to hear that he says things
like that. No mom wants their kid to say things like that. But to get suspended
for it? No other student in the school would be suspended for that, and how is
that accommodating for his poor emotional control if they suspend him for stuff
like that? It’s comparable to punishing a child with dyslexia for making a
spelling mistake. And now that I’m getting in to my rant mode a little, let me
just add that he gets picked on and talked down to and bossed around and
treated like he’s intellectually disabled much of the time. The principal’s
solution is to tell everyone to keep away from him. Kids have told him that
they’re “not allowed to play with him.”
On the other hand, the very fabulous, accepting, smart,
kind, and all-round amazing school psychologist, has tried to counteract some
of these very uncreative solutions. She went in to the classroom and taught the
kids social skills and how to interact with one another. She’s trying to help
them understand one another, and that they all have weaknesses—some people’s
are just a little more obvious (wink). We need to help all kids fit in and get
along with various types of people NOT ostracize them. That’s an appeal to the
heart, but the appeal to the mind is just as strong. Our families and
communities are only as happy, healthy, and thriving as each individual is.
I got a little ranty there. But we did find some solutions
and are making some progress in making life better for Luke and our family.
More to come.
*Names have been changed.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Peter the Apostle Had ADHD
Caravaggio's Crucifixion of St. Peter Happy Easter and Passover (or whatever you may be celebrating this weekend). |
With all the news about the new pope and with Easter coming up, I have a spiritual/religious/ADHD message for today:
Peter the Apostle had ADHD.
In church the other day, someone was retelling the story of
Christ walking on water. The apostles were in a boat during a storm on the Sea
of Galilee, and Christ walked out to them. When Peter saw him, he hopped out
onto the roiling waters and tried to walk toward Christ. He took a few steps,
got scared, and started to sink. Jesus rescued Peter and calmed the waters.
“Pretty impulsive,” I thought. “Sounds like Peter had ADHD.”
And then I thought about some other famous St. Peter
stories. He was told three times in a row by Jesus, “Feed my sheep.” (Wonder
what he was like getting ready in the morning.) Peter slashed off the ear of a
man who was arresting Jesus, but Jesus calmly told Peter to put his sword away
and immediately healed the man. Peter fell asleep when he was supposed to be on
watch in the Garden of Gethsemane. Peter told Christ he was ready to go to
prison and death with him, but soon after denied knowing him.
When Christ was washing the feet of the apostles, Peter
refused, thinking it was too lowly a task for the Savior. When Christ implied
it was critical, Peter said essentially, “Okay, then, wash my head and hands
and feet.” I think Peter probably provided Jesus with a lot of good
laughs—patient and good-hearted laughs, as in, “Hang in there Peter, it’s all
going to be clear to you one day.”
The thing is, Peter was a pretty good guy, an amazing human.
If Jesus’ right-hand man had ADHD, it can’t be too bad.
After Christ died, Peter seemed to grow into his
responsibility, and his ADHD served him well. He preached the gospel despite
threats and arrests. He famously said to his accusers, “Whether it is right in
the sight of God for us to obey you rather than God, you be the judges. It is impossible for us not to speak about what we have seen and
heard.” He preached the equality of the Gentiles. He journeyed around the Mediterranean,
speaking to all kinds of people. In the end, he was purported to have died a
martyr, crucified upside down at his request because he did not feel worthy to
die the same way as Jesus. He is a hero of Christianity, who—in my humble
opinion—probably had ADHD for a reason.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
"No" on the Letter and Buzz, A Must Read
Lots of energy in our house. |
Well, the principal and teacher do not want to pass along
our letter to parents of children in Luke’s class because they feel it would
“add fuel to the fire.” Some parents have actually complained about having Luke in the class and want him out. I’m not sure whether they are saying that Luke is disruptive or aggressive, but I don’t see either one as being an overarching
problem in the classroom. Yes, I understand it might take time to deal with Luke, but it takes time to help a child who is struggling with reading or a
child who is hearing impaired. Should we kick them all out? We wouldn’t have a
class left.
So the principal told me that this letter would just make
other parents more concerned that their children were being deprived, and that
they wouldn’t care about my son’s rights to appropriate education. I really
didn’t know what to say after that, so I just left it. I could find the class
parents and deliver the letters on my own, I guess. Not sure what we’ll do
next.
Next subject. I am reading the book, Buzz:
A Year of Paying Attention by Katherine
Ellison. “A hilarious and heartrending account of one mother’s journey to
understand and reconnect with her high-spirited preteen son—a true story sure
to beguile parents grappling with a child’s bewildering behavior.” –from Amazon
The mother and son are both dealing with ADHD, and I love
Ellison’s honest and funny take on their life. And she explores every avenue of
ADHD treatment that I’ve ever wanted to look into. I’ll let her visit Dr.
Daniel Amen and get a brain scan so I don’t have to—unless she says it was
worth it.
The book is fabulous. I read a review of it a while ago that
wasn’t particularly glowing, so I didn’t rush out and get it, but I’ll tell you
to rush out and get it. It may be that I relate well to their situation, but I
think anyone dealing with ADHD can find some gems of wisdom and black comedy in
there.
For instance, Ellison has a little epiphany about how her
son’s behavior is exacerbated by his own stress and is not just a ploy to
destroy her sanity—something I have to remind myself over and over again:
“Suddenly, he’s no longer my
persecutor, the rebel lashing out against a weakened foe, the spoiled symbol of
everything that’s going wrong with American youth, the painfully public proof
of how Jack [her husband] and I have screwed up as parents.
“He’s just nine years old. He’s
getting scolded at home, and teased, rejected, and reprimanded every single day
at school. His mother is unhappy, her behavior erratic….
“On top of all this, he has just
learned that he has something wrong with his brain.
“He’s scared. And he’s calling
9-1-1 for help.”
Do you relate?
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
A Letter to Parents in Our Son's Class
This is how he feels about everything except screen time and ice cream. |
Parents have been complaining about the problems Luke is causing in class. So we decided to write a letter and ask the teacher to forward it to the parents. Don't know if she will or not. We'll see. I say that a lot.
Dear Parents,
Hi. Our son Luke is in your
child’s class. Some of you are likely aware that Luke has been involved in some
problems in class and on the playground recently. We would like to apologize
for any hurt or frustration he has caused.
In addition, if you are
interested, we would also like to take this opportunity to explain a little bit
about Luke’s disabilities. We hesitate to tell others about Luke’s disabilities
because we don’t want him to be negatively labeled or teased, but we hope that
offering some information may help the situation.
Luke has been diagnosed with
attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and some behaviors of Aspergers
Syndrome (this is often referred to as high-functioning autism). Though he
often seems like a fairly typical child and does well academically, he has
impaired impulse control, social skills, and sensory processing. He also has
difficulty handling conflict and changes in his routine or environment and is
still adjusting to moving to a new school.
We know that Luke’s behaviors
can be antagonistic or immature. His skills have improved over time, but
he still struggles to a degree that can sometimes be disruptive. Luke's
challenges have helped our family learn a lot about getting along with people who
are different or who have disabilities. They often have unique gifts. We hope
you will see Luke’s presence as a learning opportunity for your child. We
understand there is a good deal of skepticism and misperception about
autism. We often don’t know what to think ourselves. Though Luke’s
disabilities can’t always be seen, we hope you can try to understand that his
challenges are real, and no one feels them more acutely than he does.
We work with Luke outside of
school and receive great support from specialists at the school. The patient
Mrs. Jones helps him track his behavior throughout the day. He is making
progress, and we will continue to address any problems. If you think this
information may be beneficial for your student, please feel free to share a
basic explanation of Luke’s challenges.
Thank you for your
understanding. Please fell free to call us if you have any questions or
concerns.
Have you ever sent a letter like this?
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Focalin, Suspension, Help from the School District
New medication for both kids, so I’ve gotta keep
track. It’s sort of unexpected that we changed medication. We have
tried the kids on several things, and I felt that they were using what worked best.
But then a little catalyst of change came up. In December, Luke was suspended
for three days for hitting another boy in his class.
Got that call from the principal, “Mrs. Larson. There’s
been an incident with Luke.” The first
time I got that call, I was in tears. The second, I was really stressed. The
third I just sighed and rolled my eyes. Kind of an "Oh boy, what now?" But it turned out to be worse than an eye roller.
So I met with the principal about the incident and got a lot
more info. The kid had teased Luke and tattled on him. Luke had hit him--but he's no boxer. I worry more about his bark than his bite. It seemed that this meeting was really a "we don't know what to do with your kid" meeting. I realized that things were not going as well as I
thought at school. Luke has a tracker that his teacher signs and sends home,
and he was earning rewards almost every day. He did have some problems with
other kids that the teacher had told me about, but things were definitely worse
than I perceived.
My husband and I met with the principal and vice principal
again the next day. Things just seemed to get worse. They brought up the option
of putting Luke in a Learning Center, which essentially means a smaller
classroom for kids with behavior problems at a different school. We were shocked to hear that. DH about lost
his mind and brought a law suit after that meeting.
The next day Luke, my husband, and I went to one meeting with the
district “Safe Schools” administrator and another with the case management
team. The people at the district were very understanding and helpful and
reassuring that they wanted to help Luke and not kick him to the curb. But we
did get the idea that they had gone a little overboard with Luke's suspension.
They termed it an “assault.” And Luke had to sign a general behavior contract
that I’d say is usually reserved for tough high school kids. It mentioned arson,
theft, vandalism… Luke started to read it and said, “What’s sexting?” The
administrator pushed the paper right up to Luke’s chest and said, “Just sign the
bottom here.” Luke cuddled a stuffed dog in one hand and signed with the other.
So we were at one of those points of desperation where we
felt like we’d do anything to help Luke and make the situation at school
better. I asked our pediatrician Dr. Dave about trying different meds, and he suggested Focalin.
We had tried it several years ago and decided against it since it made Luke sleepy but thought we’d try again with a super low dose. So we switched both
Luke and Izzy and started with a very low 5 mg dose for Luke and 10 mg for Izzy.
Izzy obviously needed more, and we gradually increased her dose to 20 mg. We then
tried her on 27 mg of Concerta, which is also a methylphenidate, but she seemed
to get a little over-the-top crazy on that. So we are sticking with 20 mg
Focalin for both of them. I think it might be working better than the Vyvanse.
But since this is all so subjective and mixed in with the emotions of a
desperate mother and father, it is hard to know. We are also trying to figure
out if they need a little short-acting, after-school dose.
More details to come on help from the school district, an in-class aid, school psychologist and special ed teacher changes, and finding an outside psychologist.
A great message for moms who are trying their best.
A great message for moms who are trying their best.
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