A Letter to Parents in Our Son's Class

This is how he feels about everything except screen time and ice cream.

Parents have been complaining about the problems Luke is causing in class. So we decided to write a letter and ask the teacher to forward it to the parents. Don't know if she will or not. We'll see. I say that a lot.

Dear Parents,

Hi. Our son Luke is in your child’s class. Some of you are likely aware that Luke has been involved in some problems in class and on the playground recently. We would like to apologize for any hurt or frustration he has caused.

In addition, if you are interested, we would also like to take this opportunity to explain a little bit about Luke’s disabilities. We hesitate to tell others about Luke’s disabilities because we don’t want him to be negatively labeled or teased, but we hope that offering some information may help the situation. 

Luke has been diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) and some behaviors of Aspergers Syndrome (this is often referred to as high-functioning autism). Though he often seems like a fairly typical child and does well academically, he has impaired impulse control, social skills, and sensory processing. He also has difficulty handling conflict and changes in his routine or environment and is still adjusting to moving to a new school.

We know that Luke’s behaviors can be antagonistic or immature. His skills have improved over time, but he still struggles to a degree that can sometimes be disruptive. Luke's challenges have helped our family learn a lot about getting along with people who are different or who have disabilities. They often have unique gifts. We hope you will see Luke’s presence as a learning opportunity for your child.  We understand there is a good deal of skepticism and misperception about autism.  We often don’t know what to think ourselves.  Though Luke’s disabilities can’t always be seen, we hope you can try to understand that his challenges are real, and no one feels them more acutely than he does. 

We work with Luke outside of school and receive great support from specialists at the school. The patient Mrs. Jones helps him track his behavior throughout the day. He is making progress, and we will continue to address any problems. If you think this information may be beneficial for your student, please feel free to share a basic explanation of Luke’s challenges. 

Thank you for your understanding. Please fell free to call us if you have any questions or concerns.

Have you ever sent a letter like this?

Focalin, Suspension, Help from the School District

New medication for both kids, so I’ve gotta keep track. It’s sort of unexpected that we changed medication. We have tried the kids on several things, and I felt that they were using what worked best. But then a little catalyst of change came up. In December, Luke was suspended for three days for hitting another boy in his class.

Got that call from the principal, “Mrs. Larson. There’s been an incident with Luke.” The first time I got that call, I was in tears. The second, I was really stressed. The third I just sighed and rolled my eyes. Kind of an "Oh boy, what now?" But it turned out to be worse than an eye roller.

So I met with the principal about the incident and got a lot more info. The kid had teased Luke and tattled on him. Luke had hit him--but he's no boxer. I worry more about his bark than his bite. It seemed that this meeting was really a "we don't know what to do with your kid" meeting. I realized that things were not going as well as I thought at school. Luke has a tracker that his teacher signs and sends home, and he was earning rewards almost every day. He did have some problems with other kids that the teacher had told me about, but things were definitely worse than I perceived. 

My husband and I met with the principal and vice principal again the next day. Things just seemed to get worse. They brought up the option of putting Luke in a Learning Center, which essentially means a smaller classroom for kids with behavior problems at a different school. We were shocked to hear that. DH about lost his mind and brought a law suit after that meeting.

The next day Luke, my husband, and I went to one meeting with the district “Safe Schools” administrator and another with the case management team. The people at the district were very understanding and helpful and reassuring that they wanted to help Luke and not kick him to the curb. But we did get the idea that they had gone a little overboard with Luke's suspension. They termed it an “assault.” And Luke had to sign a general behavior contract that I’d say is usually reserved for tough high school kids. It mentioned arson, theft, vandalism… Luke started to read it and said, “What’s sexting?” The administrator pushed the paper right up to Luke’s chest and said, “Just sign the bottom here.” Luke cuddled a stuffed dog in one hand and signed with the other.

So we were at one of those points of desperation where we felt like we’d do anything to help Luke and make the situation at school better. I asked our pediatrician Dr. Dave about trying different meds, and he suggested Focalin. We had tried it several years ago and decided against it since it made Luke sleepy but thought we’d try again with a super low dose. So we switched both Luke and Izzy and started with a very low 5 mg dose for Luke and 10 mg for Izzy. Izzy obviously needed more, and we gradually increased her dose to 20 mg. We then tried her on 27 mg of Concerta, which is also a methylphenidate, but she seemed to get a little over-the-top crazy on that. So we are sticking with 20 mg Focalin for both of them. I think it might be working better than the Vyvanse. But since this is all so subjective and mixed in with the emotions of a desperate mother and father, it is hard to know. We are also trying to figure out if they need a little short-acting, after-school dose.

More details to come on help from the school district, an in-class aid, school psychologist and special ed teacher changes, and finding an outside psychologist.

A great message for moms who are trying their best.

Et tu, Wyatt?

Just another day at the zany house.

First few weeks of school. Izzy has been trying to adjust to an uber-organized, high standards teacher. She had a horrible day yesterday, forgot her homework, yelled at the teacher, kids were trying to help her get back on track, but she felt like they were “bossing” her around.

We made sure everything was ready to go this morning, and I reminded her 17 times not to doodle and to pay attention so she would know what to do and to write her assignments in her planner and that she had to bring her planner, her folder, and her keyboarding paper home each night. Poor child. I didn’t really tell her 17 times. It was more like 17 attempts at delivering this information while she was actually listening.

So tonight when we said the blessing on the food, she said, “Thank you that I finally had one good day in the last two weeks.” I tried not to explode with joy and said, “What happened today? Why was it good?”

She said, “Even though I really wanted to, I kept myself from doodling, and then I heard everything that I was supposed to do, and I wasn’t confused.”

Wow. I wanted to do cartwheels all the way to Australia. Instead I said something textbooky like, “That was some really good self control. I’m glad you had such a good day. Way to go.” Textbooky may sound stilted, but it’s usually better than what would automatically roll off my tongue, so I go with it. I try to be really positive with Izzy.

Any how, triumphant day, and I’m going to roll in it! …Oh ya, for two seconds, because on this very same day I ran into Wyatt’s teacher and she told me that he couldn’t sit still for his reading testing today and that he scored rather low. When I said I knew he couldn’t sit still and mentioned ADHD in the family, she subtly asked if anyone was on medication. That was probably illegal. And then she casually mentioned that some kids just do so well with it…and some kids don’t. I’ve heard that before. Yes, I’ve heard those words before, Oh Wyatt, Wyatt, Wyatt. Et tu, Wyatt?

Do these teachers know that we are screaming inside when they drop these little hints? Do they know we want to just fall on the floor crying? Do they know our heads are splitting and our hearts are breaking? Do they know I want to say, “Okay, no big deal. I think I’ll put my kid on an amphetamine, also known as a psychostimulant, that may stunt his growth and cause sleep problems and can be addictive. What the heck.” You know, I don’t even mean to rip on this teacher. I’m sure that she struggles and frets with these “spirited” children and sees improvements when some of them start meds. I’m sure that she sees some of the challenges alleviated. I’m sure that she sees children who probably need meds and parents who don’t give them meds. I know she has her struggles too.

But for me, she has taken my dreams and thrown them in the river and waved good bye, “Hey, I hope it wasn’t too rough parting with your idyllic thoughts of raising this beautiful boy. Buh bye. Ya, new life paradigm. Get up to speed, Mom.”