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| Boys' Summer Handbook: When bored, start a fight. Hand-to-hand combat is great, but almost anything can be turned into a weapon. For instance, see towels in the above photo. |
Our kids have attended three different schools because of
family moves. Up to this point, we haven’t really had any conflicts with our
schools about accommodations for our kids. I feel like we’ve dealt with people
who really loved our kids despite their sometimes difficult behaviors. I feel
like people have tried to help our kids deal with their shortcomings and
offered support. But our present school has been a struggle. It’s hard to know
who’s driving decisions--principals, other administrators, teachers, other
parents--but from what I can tell, the principal does not want Luke at her
school. It’s a great school for many reasons: test scores, extra activities,
tons of parent involvement, but it is a little too perfectly, perfect, and they
don’t seem to have room for coloring outside the lines.
We survived last year at this school because Luke’s teacher
was so patient and kind. He did have some meltdowns and a suspension or two (I
lose track!). But his teacher was so positive and helpful. The special ed
teacher was awesome last year too. This year his teacher wanted him to do
things her way, and she did not take kindly to when Luke resisted. She didn’t
really seem to accept that he was struggling with his own difficulties, but saw
it as a struggle against her. I guess I don’t know really what was going on in
her mind, but she seemed to see her relationship with Luke as a battle of
wills.
I’ve talked about this before, but Luke’s intelligence plays
against him sometimes. Academically, he is so smart that teachers and
administrators can’t or don’t believe he has social, organizational, and focus
difficulties. I told his teacher at the beginning of the year that it is
difficult to not take his disobedience or rebuffs personally. He’s smart. He knows
what he’s doing, so it seems he must be doing it with malice. But he’s not.
He’s impulsive, he’s slow on emotional control, he’s easily frustrated. When
he’s done something wrong, in hindsight, he knows it’s wrong, but that doesn’t
stop him from doing it at the moment. His teacher and principal dislike him and
don’t have a disability mindset. That can’t see the struggles he goes through.
They just think he’s naughty. Insolent. A pain in the butt. Extra work. They don’t have time for
him. They want to move him to a “learning center,” which is the district’s
euphemism for a behavioral unit. I don’t have anything against behavioral
units, but they are usually reserved for kids whose disabilities are much more
severe than Luke’s.
This year Luke got an in-school suspension for tearing up a
leaf and saying, “This is what I would do to Jill’s* head if I could.” A mean,
naughty, threatening thing to say. It makes me sad to hear that he says things
like that. No mom wants their kid to say things like that. But to get suspended
for it? No other student in the school would be suspended for that, and how is
that accommodating for his poor emotional control if they suspend him for stuff
like that? It’s comparable to punishing a child with dyslexia for making a
spelling mistake. And now that I’m getting in to my rant mode a little, let me
just add that he gets picked on and talked down to and bossed around and
treated like he’s intellectually disabled much of the time. The principal’s
solution is to tell everyone to keep away from him. Kids have told him that
they’re “not allowed to play with him.”
On the other hand, the very fabulous, accepting, smart,
kind, and all-round amazing school psychologist, has tried to counteract some
of these very uncreative solutions. She went in to the classroom and taught the
kids social skills and how to interact with one another. She’s trying to help
them understand one another, and that they all have weaknesses—some people’s
are just a little more obvious (wink). We need to help all kids fit in and get
along with various types of people NOT ostracize them. That’s an appeal to the
heart, but the appeal to the mind is just as strong. Our families and
communities are only as happy, healthy, and thriving as each individual is.
I got a little ranty there. But we did find some solutions
and are making some progress in making life better for Luke and our family.
More to come.
*Names have been changed.
